*Disclaimer: This blog is written in the context of using gender models as a generalization and is not intended to exclude anyone based on gender identification or expression. The term “man”, “men”, “him”, or “male” is used in the context of role association and not solely based on sex at birth. The same intention is made with the use of the term “woman”, “women”, “female”, or “her”.
Introduction
In the current day and age, most people are living their lives in endless pursuit of a life of convenience and want, with the goal of avoiding a life of struggle and need. We have been convinced that achieving great success comes in the form of stuff, status, and credentials. We have been taught to believe that only when we have worked our fingers to the bone and reached the top will we truly be happy. Yet, more often than not, when people get to the top of the mountain, the only thing they see is another mountain. Happiness, as society has come to define it, seems to remain out of reach no matter how hard you try to achieve it.
This endless pursuit is not only exhausting, it’s demotivating and leaves people with a sense of never being good enough and carrying around feelings of resentment and failure. Inevitably, this leads to anxiety and depression which impacts not only mental health, but physical health too.
Discussions around mental health and the rise of mental health imbalance has been a topic of discussion for some time now, not only amongst health care and wellness professionals, but within the general population. There is less stigma now than just a few years ago, and you can find an overwhelming amount of information and people sharing their stories on mental health all over the internet and social media. So, what I’ve said so far is likely nothing new to you. When it comes to men’s mental health, however, the subject continues to be taboo. What makes men’s mental health different and why is there still stigma around mental imbalance in men?
Men’s Mental Health
What’s makes men’s mental health so different?
The list of societal expectations mentioned above is just modern day’s addition to the decades, maybe even centuries (I’m no historian), of role pressures placed on men. What do I mean by this? Well, the traditional role of men has been to protect and provide for their family. They are expected to always stand tall and show no weakness when things get tough yet to be sensitive and emotionally available. They are expected to work hard, rest little, stay fit and strong, yet be gentle and calm at the same time. They are told to be a role model at all times, yet keep their feelings to themselves. They are expect to have the perfect balance of aggression and pacifism; be chivalrous but not overbearing; be romantic but not cheesy; be content yet adventurous, and earn a comfortable income (no matter what the economy is doing) yet still be home on time to help with dinner, chores, and homework. Phew! I’m feeling overwhelmed just reading that!
This is not to say that women have not also been held to an incredibly challenging standard. Trust me, I get it. Women are expected to do a lot more than their fair share too, and society has not been kind to us either. But let me ask you this… When a woman gets overwhelmed and needs support, do they get made fun of if they reach out for help or need a shoulder to cry on? Is it frowned upon for them to share how hard things are or to lean on others when things get tough? Are they encouraged to take a few hours of “you time”, to get some rest, take time to breathe and reset, or to go enjoy a nice warm bath and get lost in a book for a little while?
Now, I realize this may not be the reality for some, but I am fairly confident that most women can find support if they need it, or at the very least, are not likely to be judged when they admit that they are struggling and ask for help. In general, women are given a lot more grace, leeway, and understanding when they are feeling overwhelmed and need a break whereas men are expected to just push through it and stop whining.
Asking for help has not typically been seen as a “manly” thing to do. Not only do men tend not to receive the same level of support, they tend to be mocked for even asking for it. They are ridiculed for saying too much and criticized for saying too little. Eventually, it becomes easier to just keep things to yourself. Men have had to adapt to survive and to be accepted in society. They have learned to stay quiet and either figure it out themselves or just burry their needs completely.
Thankfully, men have an innate drive and passion to succeed that gives them the capacity to push through. As Neil deGrasse Tyson puts it, “Passion is what gets you through the hardest times that might otherwise make strong men weak, or make you give up.” But there are limitations to everything, and our society is pushing men to the edge. Societal pressures and expectations have caused men to suit up with an armour. This armour is supposed to make them impenetrable but it’s faulty. It’s too heavy to carry all the time, and it is wearing them out.
Who am I to write about men’s mental health?
I am very grateful for everything I have learned in my nutrition and coaching programs, and through my 16+ years of working in human resources, that have given me insight into the challenges men face, especially with mental health. However, I recognized that no amount of knowledge and education will replace lived experience. I knew that if I wanted to write about men’s mental health, I had to get the perspectives of the people actually living this experience. So, I asked some questions. I am very thankful to the resilient men who have managed to put their armour down and be vulnerable by sharing their experiences with me. Here is what they had to say:
We are expected to be the best all the time. When we are struggling, we are still expected to take care of everything. To be strong.
We are encouraged to share our feelings but when we do, people get uncomfortable and turn away.
…it’s hard for men to talk about how they are feeling…
We are told to share, but if we tell the truth about how we are feeling, we are shunned or made fun of.
What I understand from a man’s perspective is that men are getting mixed messaging. Share, but don’t share. Talk about your feelings but don’t get too emotional. Be vulnerable, but don’t let yourself fall. Open up and relax but don’t show weakness (keep the armour on). When they do share, even if encouraged to do so, they are ignored or mocked. And it’s not just my observations from a few conversations that are drawing me to this conclusion. Brene Brown, a highly recognized and sought after academic and researcher in the world of shame and emotions describes the struggles faced by men very well in her audio book, Men, Women and Worthiness. I highly encourage you to validate what I am saying by listening to this great piece of work.
So, essentially, the findings are… While men are being encouraged to take off their armour and be vulnerable, when they finally do, they are being wounded. Their vulnerability is rewarded with insult and shame, causing them to not only put their armour back on, they double up on the protection to be sure they do not get hurt again. Talk about confusing! No wonder they are struggling and don’t know where to turn. No wonder the armour is getting too heavy to carry; it’s faulty.
In my opinion, and if you’ve been reading my last few blogs you will understand why I feel this way, this is creating a very dangerous situation.
Tell me more. What does the research say?
According to this fact sheet from the Mental Health Commission of Canada[i], close to 75% of the near 4,000 suicide deaths each year in Canada are men. This fact sheet also reports that those who are at risk are
Men living in environments where they are “expected” or feel pressured to uphold masculine norms (like strength, toughness, self-reliance, stoicism). Such expectations can feed into negative attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours that relate to mental health and the benefits of seeking help. Men who adhere strongly to these norms may find it more difficult to recognize signs of mental illness in themselves and others and be less likely to seek out and access mental health supports.
Yet, according to this blog post from the Canadian Red Cross (a mental health, addiction and social care support services organization), only 30% of people who use mental health services are men[ii]. Something is clearly wrong with these numbers. Men appear to be the majority of those in need but are the least likely to get help. At some point, the image of what made a man “a man”, was an image of pure strength and zero weaknesses (or in other words, feelings or emotions).
This is how we end up with shattered images of what a man should be. A man used to hold a position of honour and pride to stand and protect his family, property and community. A position that required sensitivity, love, compassion, and reliance on community to have the strength to stand for what was right. The shield they wore, came off after battle. Today, this position has been contorted to become an empty shell, void of emotion and sensitivity, impenetrable to harm, demanding of status and respect, completely self-sufficient and independent, and phased by nothing. The shield they are expected to wear now can never come off, and this battle not only follows them home, it sleeps in their souls.
I am sure I don’t need to quote the biological or physiological scientific evidence to confirm that men are human. So I think it should go without saying that, like all humans, men have feelings, and needs, and vulnerabilities. They don’t fit into these suits of armour that they are expected to wear all the time. No human does. The very weight of being suited up all the time would crush anyone! Yet, we continue to ask ourselves what went wrong. Why are men becoming more aggressive, less sensitive, more abusive, less compassionate? Why are they struggling more with mental health than ever before? Why aren’t they talking to anyone?
In my opinion, it is because they no longer feel safe, they struggle to find purpose and meaning, and they are lost. From my perspective, it is society and the ideal image of what constitutes “a man” that has brought them to this waste land, so it is not only a man’s responsibility to get help, it is society’s responsibility to welcome him when he does.
Help, Purpose and Meaning
What does purpose and meaning have to do with anything?
Well, first off, forget men’s mental health for a minute and focus on health in general. Studies have shown that having a purpose in life increases longevity, lowers stress, improves sleep, enhances relationships, boosts the immune system, and improves cognitive function[iii]. When we have a purpose, it gives meaning to our existence.
This reminds me of a saying I heard once. I don’t remember who said it, and I may mis-quote it, but it went something like “Our sole purpose in life is to prepare the next generation to be their best selves so they can leave their own mark on the world”. I love that!
Now, don’t get stuck in the grandiosity of having a purpose of saving the world or anything. People will often diminish the importance of their life’s purpose and therefore negate it when they compare it to the social media hype and societal expectations of creating purpose. Your purpose can be as simple as being a good parent and raising children who treat others kindly, or bringing a smile to someone’s face when they are feeling low, or serving someone a great coffee to lift their day, or offering the best experience possible while serving the customer assigned to your table (side note… a good read – The Leader Who Had No Title by Robin Sharma).
The interesting thing is, when you really dig down to the root of most mental health conditions, you can generally find a link to a lack of purpose or meaning. Having a purpose in life is associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety[iv]. And that’s not all! Those with a strong sense of purpose have even been shown to reduce their risk of heart attacks and strokes and are less likely to suffer from dementia[v]!
I bet you are wondering right now if you have found your purpose yet, or if you know you haven’t, how to find it. This article from Psychology Today will give you a good start. If you feel like you can use a little more help, you may find that a psychologist or a life coach can provide you with more support (full disclosure… I am a Life and Wellness Coach, so this is a bit of a plug, but it’s true, and you don’t need to choose me as your coach. Any certified Life and Wellness Coach can help you. I know a few that I can help you connect with if this would be helpful. If you are interested in getting support from me, you can book a free 15-minute Discover Session HERE to find out if this is right for you.)
Ok… You’ve got my attention. What can we do?
Now, as much as this blog has pointed out how society and the collective “us” has contributed to the increased challenges men are facing with respect to mental health, I do not want to insinuate that men do not have a responsibility here. In fact, I want to be sure it is clear that men have the most responsibility in changing this narrative.
Not that I want to put any more pressure on you than necessary, but guys… it really does start with you. This means, holding back when you get that urge to poke fun of the other guys on the job site when they mention that they aren’t feeling well, or are tired, or are really stressed out. It means speaking up when you see this happening to someone else. Which doesn’t need to be aggressive or mean or insulting in any way, it just needs to be said. It could be as simple as, “Dude, enough.”, or “Come on, that’s not ok man.”, or (if you are feeling brave), “Everyone struggles, you included, I’m sure. It’s totally normal.”.
It also means you don’t belittle each other when a fellow man asks for help or shares their feelings. It means you hold space for each other. You support each other. You lift each other up. Even if it is just sitting beside your fellow man when you notice they seem a little off. Just being there with them, in silence and not saying a thing. Your physical presence is enough to help them feel a little less alone. (If you read my last blog, you already know how your energy can literally change the cells of another person just by being in close proximity to them.)
We aren’t going to leave it all up to the men though. There are quite a few things we can all do together. The most significant action with long-term impact is to change our views and expectations of what constitutes a “man” in our society. Challenge what you have seen, heard, or have been taught about the role of men in our society and be mindful of your language.
Making it a habit to make space for the men in your life to share what is going on with them will reassure them that there is a safe place they can share. Be sure to hold this space and anything said in it in strict confidence and listen without judgement. If you are not quite able to do so, that is ok. Just let him know you want to be here for him, but you are not sure you are the right person to support him, but you would be happy to help him find someone who can. Then, get help yourself to explore your own perspectives so that you may be in a position to support him in the future.
There are also a number of things you can do in your own home and with your own behaviours that can make a big difference. Changing your language and being cognisant of the common phrases or metaphors that place unfair expectations on men and boys can make a huge difference! For example, rather than saying things like “toughen up”, “stop being so emotional”, or the lovely “are you on your period”, allow men and boys to share their feelings without judgement.
To do this, all you need to do is remain silent and listen. Let them speak. If you want to engage in the conversation, say things like “it seems like that really affected you”, or “tell me more”, or “I can see that really upset you”. And then, stay silent. Allow them to share without offering your input and of course, reserve judgement. Just let them feel what they feel.
If you find this hard to do, it might be a good idea to take a look at your own biases (some of which may be unconscious) and ask yourself where your beliefs come from and whether these serve you or the men and boys in your life and in our community. This is work I had to do myself so I know how challenging this can be, but, knowing what I know now, I also know how critical this is. It is not only the future of our boys and men that is at stake, it’s the future of our women and vulnerable people as well. We are all impacted by the imbalance in men’s mental health. Making the commitment to become more aware of what is happening and to do something about it is the first step.
Be open and aware – Watch for signs and get help.
First off, if you are a man reading this, please, don’t dismiss how you are feeling. Try to find the courage to reach out to someone you can talk to (about your feelings! Not about the game last night or the car you are working on). Find someone you can trust and ask if they would be willing to offer a non-judgmental ear for you to talk to.
Be prepared for having to search a little though. Men are still going through a bit of a mind shift, so ask before you share. You don’t want to catch someone off guard or open yourself up to someone who still believes in staying suited up. Let them know what you need; a confidant, a friend who will not judge but will just listen and support. If they are not the person for this job, that’s ok, ask someone else you trust, or get support from a professional or trained individual. Either way, you cannot be your own support.
As a collective, what is most important is to be aware of and watch for signs of mental health imbalances in yourself and others. These include, but are not limited to,
- Depressed mood, irritably and/or anger
- More withdrawn than usual
- Decreased interests or pleasure in things they used to enjoy
- Weight change or change in appetite
- Fatigue, loss of energy or change in sleeping habits
- Feelings of guilt and/or worthlessness
- Reduced ability to concentrate
- Physical pain such as headaches, backaches and digestive problems
- Reckless behaviour such as engaging in dangerous sports, drinking compulsively or numbing with drugs, gambling, etc.
More and more, we are seeing support for men in their local communities. I would encourage you to see what’s available to you locally by reaching out to your municipality. If you are being followed by a medical professional, they can also link you with some local resources. Alternatively, the Canadian Men’s Health Foundation has created this Mindfit Toolkit, geared on supporting mental wellness for men. You will find quite a few helpful resources here, as well as a way to reach out and get support directly.
At a minimum… help yourself by limiting substance use, talking to someone, and connecting socially with others, especially if there has been a recent experience of a relationship breakdown. And try to remain open to using the resources available to you, such as:
Canadian Mental Health Association – Story and Supports
Heads Up Guys – An online anonymous resource for men full of tools and supports
Dudes Club – A participant led community for men
Buddy Up – A men’s suicide prevention support
Conclusion
Men’s mental health affects each and every one of us, and we all carry some level of responsibility for where things are currently at, as well as where they will go from here.
The standards we, as a society, place on role identification determines how we all “fit” and whether or not we find meaning and purpose in this lifetime. Yet, in truly productive and cohesive societies, community roles are not limited to he and she. It is time to see beyond the veil of role association and start seeing each other as one … we are all human and worthy of love and compassion.
We each have the power to influence men’s mental health. It starts by refusing to make the subject taboo and to start allowing men to be vulnerable. Afterall, your son turns into someone’s partner, someone’s father, someone’s friend or lover. How you treat and talk to the men in your life can impact whether they bury their feelings until they drown in them, or whether they feel safe enough to share their feelings so they can learn and grown from them. Help them feel safe enough to remove a piece of that armour.
Now… men… Your mental health is your responsibility and not only affects you, it impacts everyone your life touches. It might be hard to break those social norms, but you are important and worthy of love and support. You deserve to be taken care of and to take the time you need to take care of yourself.
So, please, go relax, take a bath and read your favourite book. Go to the spa for the day, spend time doing your favourite hobby or hanging with your closest friends, or just go take a nap if that’s what you need. Whatever or wherever it is, find the people and the places that allow you to hang your armour on the coat rack by the door so you can come inside, rest, and be vulnerable. It’s the rest and reset that will allow you to have the strength to conquer another day.
[ii] https://www.redcross.ca/blog/2023/1/mental-health-and-men-how-to-support-your-loved-ones
[iii] https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/purpose-and-mental-health
[iv] https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/purpose-in-life-less-stress-better-mental-health
[v] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/202203/how-creating-sense-purpose-can-impact-your-mental-health